Biggest Loser - Shelley Style

That's right folks, I AM the biggest loser - although that title would imply that I have lost something - not!!  I have officially pulled out the "huffy girl" jeans from the bottom of the closet.  They barely fit.  Now I have made some attempts in the past week to keep up with my phat ass plan to get back in shape - but have only seen marginal improvement and minimal weight loss.  I can't wait for the holiday cookies!!!!  I suppose I could purchase my next pair of pants from the army surplus supply store.

To further my humiliation I paid for the honor of having Karen H come over to work on a weight training plan for me.  I really do need it but talk about embarressing...   So  poor Karen shows up at my door in the pouring down rain - upset.  I am thinking she has had a car accident or hit a dog on her way over. Nope - a moving violation.  Some peace officer has informed her ( incorrectly I am told) that she failed to come to a complete stop.  It takes Karen several minutes of venting to calm down before we get down to the business of torturing me.  So up to my "girl cave" in the attic we go.  We have a fair amount of weight liftting equipment that has been collecting dust - obviously.  So Karen starts off with some upper body arm/chest stuff.  I am only doing one set with her as she is correcting my form and making sure I am doing the exercises correctly.  I start to sweat, which is not uncommon as I normally sweat like a pig, except that we haven't really been working that hard as we are taking breaks so she can show me the next exercise and write notes.  This should have been my first clue that I was in for some serious humiliation. As we go through different exercises I am shocked at the number of strength imbalances I have with both arms and legs.  Wow! I am messed up.  No wonder I have continued to get hurt and never recover.  Anyways, the last area to be address is my core/abds.  Yikes!  I knew - well thought I knew - that I was going to be in trouble in this area but was not prepared for how bad.

Enter my own personal Jillian(Karen) biggest loser moment.
Jillian(Karen): "OK, now I want you to put your feet up on the (stability) ball and roll it up under your chest"  "Get your toes up on the ball and your butt up in the air"
Shea(Shelley): ..attempting but falling sideways off of the ball without even being able to move my feet toward my chest, onto the floor.
Jillian(Karen): "What was that??????"
Shea(Shelley): "Ahhh, me trying to do what you just said"
Jillian(Karen): "OK......try again"
Shea(Shelley): trying again, again falling over sideways on the floor
Jillian(Karen): "Really!  What ARE you doing?"  "It's like this"  as she easily demonstrates it for me
Shea(Shelley):  Trying yet a 3rd time and again falling over
Jillian(Karen): "What!"
Shea(Shelley): "OK, I am the biggest loser.  This is where I have my melt down and tell you that I am afraid of being a winner and that's why I fail.  And now would be the part where you psycho analyse me, I break down and cry then walk out on you.......
Jillian(Karen): "Ok, you will do 3 sets of those"  "Now for my next torture abd fest activity that you will completely suck at......(gives me next exercise)
Shea(Shelley): Again, falls off ball and can not do it! 

So, it would have been less humiliating if I had  "papa smurfed" her.  I know she went home and marvelled to her husband about how pathetic I was.  Today I actually did both sets of her exercises that she gave me.  I continued to fall off of the stability ball after one or two reps, but at least I did one/two reps (I was probably not doing them right).  Maybe by next month I will be able to stay on the ball for all of the reps.  I am afraid that I am not going to be able to move tomorrow - this would be a good thing if it meant that I couldn't walk to the refridgerator.

Oh well - maybe my friends won't vote me off this week and I can stay to humiliate myself for another chapter in the life of a fat ass!  Tune in next week folks...